The New Old Journey I'm On

I've battled weight my whole life. When I was 5, I was a "normal" sized little girl. My dad was leaving for Vietnam, and we went to visit his family in Wisconsin. When we returned to North Carolina 2 weeks later, I was a chubby little girl.

My mom used to tell the story; she said I went from a size 5 to a size 6X in 2 weeks. My dad left for Vietnam and my mom and I went to her hometown to live. There, I learned to numb myself with food. The family decided (with no input from me that I recall) that I must be sad, and they fed me. I WAS sad. But I do not recall asking for loaves of white bread to be thrust in my hands. I do recall watching TV, sitting on the couch, with a loaf of bread in my hands.

I went from chubby little girl to chubby teen.... to obese adult.

I've either dieted or binged since I was 5. I have tried sooooo many diets. I say, "I've tried them all!" I actually worked at 2 of the well-known weight loss places during a brief "almost" phase. I was "almost" at that ideal, magical number... And clearly, "diets" don't work b/c here I am. Obese, again.

And yes, I said "again," not "still." After I got married, I lost 100 pounds. Then, I got pregnant with my first son. And gained about 70 pounds during my pregnancy. I gave birth to a 5 pound child. Seriously.

And lost about 60 of that.... and got pregnant, again. LOL That time, I gained about 55 pounds to give birth to a 7 pound baby. That baby is now 22 years old, and I recently hit my all time high weight. Needless to say, I never lost all that baby weight.

So, the journey began again. This time, I'm working with a nutritionist and a trainer, with a group support system, in a 12-week wellness program. I call it my 12-step program b/c I believe my food issues are an addiction which I have to kick in order to attain and maintain a healthy lifestyle. It's not a "diet." I just won't do that anymore. This is a plan. It's a plan for health. Like building a house, I have a blueprint. Like taking a trip, I have a map.

We're in week 5 or 6- I've lost track. I'm eating more normally than I probably ever have since I was 5 years old. I'm working out harder than I ever have in my life. I'm losing weight; my body is changing. But I don't know how much, b/c I don't weigh. I trust LeeAnn, my nutritionist, and Brian, my trainer. They have given me the map; they've given me the directions. Now, I'm trusting that given my map, and given my directions, I'll reach my destination. I don't need to watch the odometer count off each mile.

But it's very weird. I'm totally not used to this. I'm used to weighing every day. Sometimes more than once a day. (insert embarrassed face) But, really, if the scale didn't give me what I thought I should be getting, it would ruin my whole day. And, more often than not, ruin my "diet" too. By not weighing, I'm trusting that the plan works, regardless of what the scale says day to day. Eventually, if I eat normally, if I work out seriously, if I trust my teachers, if I trust MYSELF, I will find a healthy place.

So, that's my journey, this time.